More urban women hitting their 30s are putting marriage and child bearing on hold, prepared to wait for as long as it takes for Mr Right to come along. Lin Qi reports.
Lu Yan once saw herself as a thoughtful wife and caring mother at 30. But life took a rather different course. The now 32 year old is a single lawyer, living it up in Beijing.
Just last July, she embarked on a two-week adventure trip deep into the hinterland of the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, with her old colleagues from the Peking University Mountaineering Association. They trekked along the southeastern border of the Hoh Xil Nature Reserve, camped at the foot of Yuzhu Peak of the Kunlun Mountains, and relived their college days when they scaled the summit, standing at an altitude of 6,178 m.
"I had dreamed of doing this trip for a long time. The view from there is breathtakingly beautiful," she says.
"I may not have been able to join such an expedition if I were married and had kids. A prolonged single status is not such a bad idea, after all."
Lu speaks for an emerging group of Twits, short for "Teenage Women in the 30s". With growing incomes, independence and confidence in their capabilities, many urban women are putting marriage and child-bearing on hold, and focusing instead on their careers and leisure.
Lu's job as a lawyer is demanding and requires frequent business trips. But when she does find the time, she likes to pursue her interests. For instance, she sings with the Peking University Alumni Chorus, which gives two formal performances a year, or catches up with old friends from the Peking University Mountaineering Association. She is an outdoor sports enthusiast and travels at least twice a year.
"I am not ready for the constraints of married life," she says, even though she has a boyfriend, who fits the bill in many respects. She says she is not ready to make a commitment and cites the increasing numbers of clients looking to file divorce lawsuits. Lu has also seen far too many of her friends falling in love, getting married and breaking up.
"The fairytale ending of 'the prince and princess living happily forever' seems to be unrealistic," she says.
"I no longer have a set timetable for marriage like I did five years ago. I just let things take their course."
The Twits' lifestyle appears to be sweeping through the first, adult single-child generation of women. Despite being in their late 20s and early 30s, these women cling to the lifestyle of a teen rather than take on the responsibilities of an adult.
"We don't fear marriage or parenthood," Xi Ji'er says. "The fact is we grew up always being taken care of by our families and society. We are accustomed to being single and self-centered.
"The post-60s and 70s generations, who often had siblings, learnt to manage household affairs at an early age, but we are used to not being concerned with domestic responsibilities," she says.
The 29-year-old office worker believes life is for enjoying. She is used to partying late into the night and splurging on luxury brands.
Recently married, she still prefers going to the theaters, and hanging out with her girlfriends in shopping malls and karaoke bars. Having a baby is simply not on her agenda.
The Twits don't give two hoots for the traditional notion that "a girl of age should get married".
"In the past, women were much less independent financially. They had to look for a reliable husband," Peng Xian, a psychologist from Tsinghua University, says.
"Women today have stable careers and face more alternatives in their personal lives. They need not live up to the mainstream expectations of them being a capable wife and mother. And they are respected for their choices, since society has become more tolerant," Peng says.
Some women choose to remain single because they cannot find someone who meets their requirements, and they would rather be lonely than compromise, she adds.
Xi says that the post-80s generation has been raised in a society in transition, where people have less mutual trust than in the past. "We rarely trust people other than our parents."
Qi Shujuan, a marriage counselor on Baihe.com, sees the Twits syndrome as a continuation of puberty. She says it is quite common to see young women, who enjoy high incomes and living the good life, having a close relationship with their parents.
She suggests Twits should be brave enough to make the transition from innocent girl to mature woman.
"Also, parents should keep some distance from their children and have them shoulder certain family duties. But they shouldn't pressure their children to marry.
"Turning 30 is not terrible, neither is marriage. It's more important for people to keep a young and energetic heart," she says.
Thirty, and hating it
Finances, family, and career are three main concerns of men from the post-80s generation.
Traditionally, Chinese expect men to shoulder more responsibilities than women. Most adhere to the Confucian dictum of sanshi erli, which means at 30 a man should have a family and career, and be able to face difficulties on his own. But Beijing psychologist Li Zhongyu says this is not the case with the post-80s generation.
"The oldest person of this generation will turn 30 this year. Nearly 80 percent of my 30-year-old male clients complain they are under tremendous pressure about buying an apartment in the city, see no future in their jobs, and have few opportunities to socialize," Li says.
Huang Liwei, born in 1980, says he is typical of his generation. A native of Anhui province, he came to Beijing after graduating. He now works in an IT company, earning about 5,000 yuan ($733) per month. He does not have an apartment of his own, and sees no signs of getting married for the next three years.
"My father always asks me to buy an apartment. But I really don't have the money. Housing prices are soaring," Huang says bitterly.
Unlike Huang, 29-year-old Ding Junjie is married and has a child. But, "I still cannot accept the fact that I am father to a 1 year old now," Ding says.
Working 9-to-5 as an engineer in a foreign company, Ding earns more than 10,000 yuan ($1,465) per month in Shanghai. But he still feels he cannot support his family. He does not know where to buy the baby's dresses, how to fix a baby's bed, and he gets upset whenever the infant cries in the middle of the night.
When the baby came down with a fever this winter, he went crazy. "My wife looks down on me. She says I am not mannish enough, and wants a divorce" the young father says.
Now, their parents are in Shanghai to help them raise the baby.
Ruan Shouhong is even more worried. He has changed five jobs within three years of graduation.
In his first job, Ruan was fired because he spoke ill of his boss. Six months later, he lost his second job because his colleagues complained that he was not cooperative. And he quit his third job because he could not stand the workload.
The young man complains he is "fed up of the complicated relationships at work".
"But I still don't know what I would like to do for a living. I have asked my friends but none of them has an idea either," he says.
Zhang Meifen, head nurse in the obstetrics and gynecology department of Hangzhou No 3 Hospital, believes she has some insight into their predicament.
"Their problem is they don't know how to take care of themselves and others. This becomes more obvious when they become fathers or have a family," she says.
Zhang and her team now offer special training for young fathers to teach them how to "be a good parent".
Men of the post-80s generation are often seen as unable to shoulder responsibilities. Many posts, some by Chinese sociologists and psychologists, on the online search engine baidu.com, compare this generation to the beat generation and lost generation of American literature, and call them "ignorant, selfish, and rebellious".
Li Zhongyu, for example, says: "This generation, which grew up just after the country's reform and opening-up began, and under the family planning policy, is spoiled. They don't know what is responsibility.
"They also grew at a time when ideas of women's independence and feminism made an appearance, which makes them feel even weaker and less masculine."
